"Step out of the car."
Those are words that can never mean anything good at half past two in the ayem. Command. The power of I-got-a-gun-and-i-hope-you-ain't, fearful little triggerhappy bullies hiding inside big uniformed cleancut goodcitizens who only want to help. The words mean "Let's see what you've got, Jack, i'm in a mood to take it all away."
Context is important here. If it's the first thing you hear, you know you're fucked, because copper is cocky. No checking things out, no shining lights from a distance; just instant assertion of dominance. Better assume the position, little monkey, bend over and hope the court lets you have a dab of lard from the jailhouse kitchen, 'cause you'll be grabbing your ankles for every tame lawyer in town if copper gets his way. The important thing is that THE PERP does not walk, does not get off on a technicality, haven't had a good drug arrest this week, hmmm, might be a good use for that forty-rock i scored off Mr. Vagrancy/Trespassing last month. Gotta have income, you know, we've got guns to buy and forfeiture's gonna buy 'em for us, oh beautiful federal matching funds!
Well, shit. This is no local revenue-generator, which surprises me out here in East Bumblefuck, Alabama at this hour. This is the actual person of the county fucking sheriff. Shit. I'm on the side of the road with God Himself pointing a pistol at my skull. He's not smiling, either, not doing the Mississippi-sheriff act, no macho posing, he's all business tonight, maybe the Coruscating Rainbow Mindfuck isn't the proper tack to take with this one, he's not gonna get confused and let you go just because he gets a headache from trying to figure out if he's been politely told to go fuck a splintery knothole. Shit. What is he looking for? Still no request for the driver's license, no nasty comments about the stickers on the car. Okay, fine, hands behind me, lean on the fender, just don't cuff me, thanks. You pusbag. Where would you be without your buttbuddy deputy over there with the gun? On the ground spitting up chunks of your larynx, i'd hope.
What's sad is, i've got nothing illegal on me or about me. I wasn't speeding, not in this piece of junk. Guess we've been reduced to living under random police harassment of travelers, keep the speed limit low and stop anyone who doesn't look local and/or meek, toss 'em in clink if they don't have their papers in order. No actual crime needed, it's okay to stop anyone and search their car and person if they fit the "drug courier" profile in the opinion of the cop. I've read the list of justifications one Florida sheriff used over several months, it included "driving above the speed limit," "driving below the speed limit," and "scrupulous obedience of all traffic laws," it's just a license to do whatever the fuck they want, now what, porkboy, haven't you gotten your dominance gland all tumescent yet, or do you need to rough me up a little too?
"Sorry to bother you, sir. You're free to go."
This is weird. He had me, he could have done anything, why fool around with going this far? Why not do a real search, look for seeds in the floorpan or roaches in the ashtray or a half kilo in the door panel? Maybe the Universal Working-class Uniform (jeans, t-shirt and flannel shirt (buttoned), baseball cap with some car company's logo on it and a lot of hair stuffed up inside) pulled me through again, made me one of the guys. Maybe.
Back in the car, starter, lights, can't see shit, turn off your goddamn spinner lights, ah, there we go. Forward, ho, gonna be a slow trip with this weirdo behind me. Oh NOW a car coming the other way, where were you a minute ago? Never a witness when you need one. Hey, what's up with Mr. Sheriff Man? he's coming up behind, deputy's leaning out, he's got a rifle! fuckfuck tire's out spin lights CRASH spin ditch roll tree END
//////FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE NATIONAL ROUTING 95-3491384
//////ALLIED PRESS PINEMOUNT AL (GADSDEN OFFICE)
//////MONDAY OCT 23 1995 0443
Environmental activist Linda Everbright was killed in a two-car accident near Pinemount, AL early this morning. According to Ahtowee County Sheriff Dale Volerman, a Nissan sedan driven by an unidentified male went out of control and collided with Everbright's oncoming pickup truck, sending both vehicles off an embankment and into the trees below.
Sheriff Volerman said that he was returning from a rural call when he noticed the smell of burning oil and the tire marks on the road where the two vehicles had skidded sideways, and stopped to investigate. Upon discovering the wreck, he called for a rescue unit, but told the dispatcher "I don't think there's anyone alive here but me," according to a nearby resident who listened to the radio traffic on a police-band scanner, and who asked not to be identified. Rescue crews found both drivers dead at the scene; no passengers were found in either vehicle, but the cab of Everbright's flaming, twisted pickup was filled with many boxes of papers. It is unclear if any documents survived the fire and subsequent water damage.
Several members of Everbright's Timber Reform Now! (TRN) environmental group have requested access to the documents, but the Sheriff's Department has blocked the area pending an investigation, said Balsam Desantis, a TRN member who arrived at the scene by motorcycle shortly after the rescue team. Sheriff Volerman had no comment when asked about the significance of the papers, but Desantis called them "the dirt, man, everything we needed to bust things wide open," referring to the TRN's ongoing civil lawsuit against General Timber Products, Inc. and the state Forestry Commission. Desantis went on to speculate that the unidentified driver may have been trying to force Everbright off the road, knowing that the papers were in her truck, but had lost control himself and become involved in the wreck. Sheriff Volerman refused comment on this possibility, saying only that an investigation was underway to identify the Nissan's driver and to determine the causes of the accident. Phone calls to TRN's office in Gadsden are being answered by a machine which gives the organization's office hours and prompts for a message.
Further information will be released after the Sheriff's Department makes an official statement, scheduled for 0700 this morning. It is expected that TRN will also release a statement at that time.
//////VERIFIED ROBERT K BIRD AP42489 SENDER
//////END OF RELEASE 95-3491384
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